Two Days with Kali and the Carioca

When we look back at life, there are always sign posts. Some don't become clear until many years after they happen. Some become significant immediately, and you somehow know things will never be quite the same. As a person who had a conservative disposition toward recreational drugs growing up, it is quite interesting that at middle age I would decide to explore entheogens. It was only several years ago in a Buddhist meditation retreat I started to hear of Ayahuasca from a couple practitioners. While I'm pretty good at talking myself out of things, this path seemed to always be piquing my curiosity in the background. 

(And yes, it should be noted that Ayahuasca has become somewhat trendy in certain circles, as noted by this New Yorker article. This is always a concern for me as I do try to avoid trends, however, I also believe many are not entering this path with appropriate intentions.)

So with the encouragement and support of a friend, I was ready to continue my inner exploration to uncover new ground. My intention was bold: I wanted to know the nature of Reality, or God to be more exact. Was I biting off more than I could chew?

As the ceremony began, I had little trepidation. Ignorance is bliss only for a short while. It wasn't until an hour of the first cup (of three) of the medicine did I begin to feel the effects of DMT, and then almost immediately my mind opened up in a way I have never experienced. I could see the room become vivid with colors so beautiful beyond any garish descriptors I could come up with. But as I became aware of my experience, I immediately started to hear a voice that I was responding to. It's one of those moments you think you're going crazy. The mind having is having a conversation with itself, but the other voice was not my own. The idea of God speaking to Moses at the burning bush did not seem as unlikely now.

Kali

Aya-huasca is known to be the embodiment of the Divine Feminine, also known as the Grandmother (or Aya). Grandmother is also not always gentle, but she gives you what you need. Although not having a strong affinity for Hinduism, I found it fascinating that the voice appeared to me with the name Kali (a.k.a. Hindu Goddess). How Kali came to me I have no idea, but it appears some believe there is a similar thread with Aya. 

And there She was, conversing with me very quickly with insight on top of insight. I was other-powered.

Me: Show me your face.

Kali: I'm not playing games with you.   

Me: I want to see.

Kali: I'm not sure you can handle this Love.

It was then, I was exposed to a Love so intense that it was completely overwhelming. If you took the love you have for a child, a parent, a friend, a pet, and a lover and multiplied that by a million, it would still not come close to this. I knew She was only unveiling as much as I could handle (or I was letting go as much as I could), but it overtook me with great humility and fear. I realized I was a small speck in comparison to Her and I immediately recoiled. The first significant insight: I came to this as an ego searching for God, instead of allowing God to find me. Hence, my vessel was not ready to be consumed by the fire.

Kali: It's okay. I'm always here.

It was then I was sent down to the path of utter dark night. All night long I was forced to face my thoughts at a heightened intensity. I recall at one moment dry heaving completely in sync with someone else sitting behind me. It was as if we were connected in the healing process. I continued to see the all the things my crazy mind does: the planning, the scheming, the controlling. Only now there was no place to hide. I was head on in pain, discomfort, purging, and such extreme anguish. It was literally one of the worst nights I can remember.

My second great insight: I've always been able to keep myself at a safe distance from teachings and teachers, and therefore allowing myself to control my experience. I had nowhere to run to with Kali embodying me. The purification was needed. In the morning, I was unsure I could go through another experience of this. But I had no choice. This is what I came for.

To be stupid is to believe that it is possible
 to take a photograph of the place about
which the poet sang. — Dávila

Day two started with a lot more agitation. Being humbled by Kali, I knew this was a serious adventure and shouldn't be taken lightly. After the first cup, I tried to focus on the music of the Carioca and his trio. And soon enough, I began to feel discomfort in my body (this was somatically induced by some of the challenging music being played at the time). It felt as if all this energy was building and needed to be released through movement. So I did the only thing I could... I danced. My body was flowing to the music with such refinement, it literally felt like it was being done to me. My rhythm was perfectly on time, and the music moved through me without distinction. The energy was so warm and playful. I have never had an experience of music so vividly as this. The songs were soaring as me as the Carioca beautifully held the space with his exquisite playing. I was flowing spontaneously to the notes, and releasing to the space in between them.

Kali: I'm not here to harm you.

Me: You are so beautiful.

During this time, it felt as something was working through all the blockages in my body. My physical being felt 20 years younger! It was becoming clear, I was clear. I was present, luminous, playful, joyful. The evening was utter, pure awakened bliss. But only this time, She said enough with the mind and transcendence. It was all about immanent embodiment of the Divine. It was a pleasure to be on Earth and in this moment. I now knew beyond concepts that Reality is a lot more mysterious, overpowering, and sweeter than I ever could have known otherwise without this experience. It made the first night worth every moment. The third big insight: the Divine has a personal quality and character, and we can always be in relationship with Her.

Aya (Kali) is not an easy path. She grabs you by the throat, is steadfast, and firm. And yet, she can open your Heart in ways you can't expect. She is Infinite Love, but meets you where you are. And now that my experience has come and gone, something stays: a trust, a richer faith, and an enduring hope.

The prophets (and shamans) have not misled us.