“Some things can only be known if we do not know them ahead of time. ... We need to leave space for gifts.” — Fr. James Schall
I was recently recalling how my old friend Joe would half-jokingly say “I never know what is going to come out of my mouth next.”
I know for some, the thought was probably 'the old man has gone mad!'
It was more that Joe was immersed in the spontaneity of Divine play. It was probably a gift from above after a lifetime of self-conscious anxiety and neurosis (which most of us suffer from to some extent). He was now in his nineties, and the cosmos decided to give him a taste of home before making his way there.
I came across a passage from Almaas that expresses loss of control best:
“The most interesting part of this lack of self-consciousness is the experience of spontaneity. Without self-consciousness there is no self-watching and no cautiousness about our expressions and actions. There is no premediation and no rumination about what to do. Hence, we are totally spontaneous, like young children. We are totally open and innocent, with no defensiveness and no strategizing. There is no holding back, no hiding, no protection, no pretension. There is complete openness, presence, and genuineness. There is no self-control whatever. So the spontaneity is total. The absence of control is absolute. We simply experience ourselves as freedom, lightness, delight, openness, and spontaneity. Without self-consciousness, action and expression are absolutely spontaneous, and hence totally free.”
Joe had lost control, but was no longer out of control. He had found a center beyond his control, which freed him up to manifest his being with playful ease.
At his memorial service, there was a former colleague who had recalled Joe at his retirement from teaching. Joe was in his mid-sixties then, and apparently still finding his way. His spiritual breakthroughs would come much later. This is inspiration for all of us; while we can't force growth, we can set the conditions for it during any point in life. And then surrender to what we don't know from there on.
Or as Joe would say, “always be open to what's around the corner and never predict.”
It’s this need to control our lives that prevents us from fully living our lives. Oh, the irony.
If we stop trying to capture it and allow ourselves to be captured, then we eventually can say we lost all control.