Monday, May 15, 2023

How Am I (Not) Doing?

We are always sorting ourselves out, or allowing God to sort us out. So I found a good questionnaire by Darren Allen that keys in on our vitality in life. It reflects back on my prior post; in regards to how much we are in relationship to Life! So here I try to take a stab at radical honesty, although my shadow self would be better sub/objectively observed by others. So I'll only try... 

Ultimately — that is for matters of real importance — I derive the meaning of a spoken utterance from what is not said (tone, implication, quality of gesture, etc). Even as a child I recall doing this. I was never a great verbal communicator, but intuitively I always picked up on nuance, body and facial language, and energetic sensibility. Still do today.

I am comfortable with non-literal language (metaphor, comedy, myth, dream, art, etc). Yes. With art it depends on the modality. I enjoy paintings, film, music, and novels in this regard. Poetry (which sometimes tries too hard with non-literalness) and photography (which works too hard with literalness) not always as much.

I’m comfortable with uncertainty, lack of closure, nothing quite decided and open-endedness generally (e.g. I do not worry about money, even when I may soon have nothing). My edge! I do worry about living comfortably, as stability was sometimes in question during my childhood. But I do prefer being with the poor than the rich, as long as they are not overly boorish. But in regards to general open-endedness beyond financial security, bring it on!

I can easily tell if someone else wants to enter a conversation, if they are feeling uncomfortable, or what they might want to talk about. Mostly indeed. Again, I tend to read people somewhat well—except for a few women that I fancied in the past whom I believed may have fancied me.

I find it easy to explain to others things that I understand. I am not a great verbal communicator. Writing is more my comfort area that I excel at. 

I enjoy caring for other people. I am usually considerate and thoughtful. And I definitely care for people in need and who may suffer in a non-narcissistic way, but my willingness to sacrifice my presence comes only when receptive by the other. 

I find it easy to know what to do and say in social situations. Yes, I suppose. But I do find myself less willing to engage in too much trivial small talk. 

I find it easy to let go of the past — to ‘shake off’ unpleasantness, to release my grip on desire, to drop grudges and regrets, etc. When someone criticises me I don’t take it personally. I can ‘let go’ of justifying anger. More so now than in the past. Anger needs to be seen as it arises, and yes it does still arise on occasion (with justification). 

I never go too far in driving my point home in a discussion. I can back off easy enough. I can't convince anyone to think differently; only perhaps optimistically plant a mustard seed on occasion. 

I don’t get swept up in other people’s emotions. I can ‘maintain frame.’ Definitely yes. So many crazy people these days, and it would be awful to take on all the entropy myself. 

I find it easy (in face-to-face interactions) to judge if someone is rude or polite. This seems obvious to me. 

I don’t require an authority (teacher, therapist, policeman, etc.) to tell me what to do in order to do things. Mostly yes, but I do respect some authority—not because of their role in society but their presence of being and character.  

I don’t do much on autopilot — I notice subtle qualities around me (like birdsong) and can usually remember journeys. Most moments yes. Sometimes forgetfulness takes over. 

It upsets me a great deal to see an animal in pain. Almost excruciatingly so. 

I can easily perceive the unique character of an animal or a young child. Indeed. The true essence of diversity. 

Talking is fine, but the time soon comes when you have to act. By their fruits you shall know them. At yet, I still always stretch myself to understand more so I can act appropriately in the context that presents itself. There are always competing commitments, but I try to make my yes a 'yes' and my no a 'no'.

I trust my first impressions. I can read faces very well. Again, yes. 

When I dance I tend to do so unselfconsciously. Definitely when I dance alone. I know I dance badly, and give less shites that others know that too. 

I have strange, enjoyable or suggestive dreams. Strange indeed, but never nightmarish. They sometimes appear as if they are not my own. 

I can relax completely. Let it be.

I’m not a worrier. Less so about me and more so about existence.

I am aware of the subtle sensations in my body. I can ‘read’ when they are telling me to stop doing something. Oh yes.

I often feel good for no reason. I often feel grateful. Thanks be to God.

I can immerse myself in my senses completely, without distraction. With intention comes attention.

Men and women are fundamentally different, and I’m glad they are. Will this cancel me? Of course then.

My God I love the simple things. I am the mayor of simpleton.

When I am in a partnership I make love a great deal — despite how I feel. Hmm, if memory serves me right... :)

For the remaining questions, I will say mostly yes. Death is real, and so is love. Both are part of life and serve each other. I would like to be understood, but have probably received more praise. I'm not easy to understand, even to myself. I could be a tad more spontaneous and yet I love routine.

When I walk down a crowded street, I often ‘pull back’ from my focusing, naming mind and experience the entire event (rather than looking, naming and thinking about bits of it). 

I tend to avoid experiences which make me ardently want or not want (pornographic sex, violence, video games, etc.).

I am not easily offended. People who are depress me.

I love being in nature.

I do not defend my negative emotions, or attempt to suppress them, but act to understand and deal with them.

I do not blame my unhappiness on other people or things outside my control (my parents, society, genes, illnesses, ‘the patriarchy’, ‘my ex’, ‘them’, etc, etc, etc.).

I easily feel the quality, tone or atmosphere of situations, rooms, people, works of art and so forth.

I make plans, but let go of them easily.

I am spontaneous (but not ‘wacky’).

‘Death is part of life’ — this is a truth which I endeavour to live.

I would prefer to be understood than praised.

I look into other people’s eyes; but I don’t stare. I know the difference between looking and staring.

I do not need to fill time up with ‘fun’. I am happy without stimulation. I don’t need a phone.