To get more nuanced, we need to define what love is. I know there has been many good (and really bad!) songs written about it, but I think we're all still a little confused about this loaded word. James Thurber acknowledged this when he said love is “that pleasant confusion we know exists.”
I believe the ancient Greeks had it fairly right when they distinguished love in the following ways: agápe (divine unconditional love), éros (romantic/erotic love), philía (friendship/brotherly love), and storgē (compassionate/filial love). Freud would probably add a healthy narcissism for oneself, a self-love or positive self-regard, as part of these forms of love.
Eros, philía, storgē, and self-love are all manifestations and gradations of divine agapic love. But unlike agapic love, these forms of love are conditional. There is always a subtle manipulation going on within ourselves (our fears and our desires) in relationship to others as finite beings. And for convenience sake, we have created a false consciousness in which things-in-relation are seen as separate for us.
I know there are some that would say the love a mother has towards her baby child is mostly unconditional. While somewhat true, even the young mother has her challenging moments. And let's not forget that child will someday grow up to be an incorrigible teenager where that "unconditional" love may not always be so accessible.
I believe that's why Aquinas defined love as “to will the good of another.” He understood that most of us are not infused with the grace of agapic love at all times. As such, love requires a commitment or covenant even when we don't necessarily "feel" it. If the feeling-sense of love is not there in the moment, then we may need to cultivate a willingness of love for the other. (One person told me when she couldn't feel love for someone, she would thank God for loving them. I've found this to be a helpful practice for myself.) Moreover, the practice of love for others can help dissolve some of our self-image and self-importance to make way for more agapic love over time. As such, we can see where faith, family, work, and community are vital to our spiritual growth.
But if I’m acknowledging there is this agapic love, then why would I say we can’t love unconditionally? Here’s the rub: we really can’t do it!
As long as we're identified with our self-image, then love will always have “to remain a marketing sort of business, something to be given and received, and always with conditionality. It does not know anything of unconditional love because it is only while self-image sleeps that unconditional love is realized. For self-image, unconditional love must remain a matter of faith rather than experience, and it is almost invariably unwilling to risk itself for faith” (Gerald G. May).
This gets into all sorts of notions of what the self-image is. Buddhism nails much of it. According to Dumitru Stăniloae, man is “nothing but a mass of component parts, with no inner unity, therefore there is nothing in the human being that can call for, or make possible, any ultimate love. Altruism of any kind, whatever its tinge, and however ardent it may be, can only be a procedure for getting rid of desire.” Hence, when identified with this self-image, we are always subtly defensive in our self-serving manipulations and unable to open our heart fully.
The way out is the way up. If we can offer up our self-importance as a sacrifice to God, then we find something beyond the self that can love unconditional. May says:
“Agapic love is ultimate, unconditional love. It is a love that transcends human beings both individually and collectively. Because it does not originate from within individual people, it is not influenced by their personal desires or whims. It is a universal “given” that pre-exists all effort; it neither needs to be earned nor can it be removed. It is only agape that is perfect and capable of casting out fear, for it is only agape that cannot be taken away. Narcissism, eroticism, and filial love are all conditional forms of love; they can be influenced by circumstances and by personal whim. ... But agape suffers none of these vicissitudes. It is permanent, eternal, and completely unflappable. The only choice humans have in relation to agape is whether or not to recognize its presence, to “realize” it. We can neither magnify nor destroy it.”When this is realized, the disparity between an inner longing for unconditional love and an outer experience of conditional love is resolved. We also find our center, and paradoxical unity that can love unconditionally as persons in relationship in God and with others.
I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you
— Brian Wilson and Tony Asher
In an erotic “high,” the world disappears in love. In the
spiritual “high,” the world appears in love. — Gerald G. May